By definition in the New Oxford American Dictionary, enigmatic means: difficult to interpret or understand; mysterious.
Having no topic in mind when I started writing this I came about choosing a word of the day from my iphone and this is what popped up.
When I read this word, Enigmatic /e/nig/mat/ik/ what really comes to mind is life. Life is the most enigmatic of all. It is without rhyme or reason to the conscious mind, but damned if we don't TRY to figure, explain, reason, justify it as best we can. But why is that?
Isn't that what makes life so beautiful is its mystery? Aren't the greatest most joyous surprises the ones we can't possibly think of ourselves? Maybe not for everyone but that is, at least for me, what I find to be of the greatest joy.
I'll admit there is satisfaction to figuring something out logically, proving to myself I CAN do something. I feel competent when I do. But there is also a lacking, it is only surface deep.
When I allow myself to go beyond that need to know place, to sit with, no matter how uncomfortable a feel something else happens entirely. Something Enigmatic by my minds frame of reference as well as my bodies, it is something so much more!
In that place it is deep, vast, limitless, soft, enlivening and always changing. Each time I experience from that place something new arises and meets/greets me there. And albeit a little scary, never knowing what may come, it is always wonderful.
Even now my mind wants to get this perfect/right. It wants to clarify for you, whomever YOU may be to let you know, because I have experienced this time and time again and I want to be crystal clear about what those uncomfortable moments are so that hopefully that you may find some truth in it as well; I have to add that the truly uncomfortable and at sometimes painful thing is not the feel, though my true feels can be of hurt or discomfort, but the ones that make me squirm are not feelings at all they are that fight, that pure survival instinct to hold on. To hold on as tight as I can to what I know from my minds eyes. ( Can you feel the difference in my writing?)
How do I know this? I have experienced it. To be in that survival place well there is no space, there is only tension and self doubt and lack of trust. My whole body fills with tension and I either want to shoot someone, or club them to death, or I want to run for my life! That is how I know I am in that space.
But even that space I am coming to love, but not always, sometimes I want to kill that part of myself as well. And when I hate it I hate it with a vengeance, a passion, like no other. And that feels good too to a certain extent until it depletes all my energy. Truthfully to be in that place or fight with that place is exhausting.
And see what a tangent Ive gone off on....It is ever on going. If you let it.
But as I was saying, the beauty in the enigma that is life is that it is completely unknown.
